Yes, Zombies are real! What proof do I have? Well, let’s take a look at what a Zombie is….
Zombie Basic Definition: A person held to resemble the so-called walking dead.
Zombie Characteristics: They never sleep, they are insatiable, they groan instead of really saying anything, they don’t move very well, they do the same thing every day, they are selfish, single minded, not too intelligent but devastating in large numbers, angry all the time, not dead- but not really alive and they are only interested in one thing: infecting you and making you just like them.
Based on this information, I have seen zombies everywhere and I know you have too so let’s not pretend they don’t exist.
Let’s just worry about how to avoid becoming one!
Five Considerations To Avoid Becoming A Zombie:
1. Don’t Surround Yourself With Zombies And You Won’t Become A Zombie
The more zombies you are around, the more likely you are to become a zombie. Zombies tend to run in groups and they really want you to become like them. They actually want everyone to be just like them and if it were up to those decaying creeps they would “zombify” every human on the planet. If you are not yet the undead they will notice you immediately and begin stalking. Their persistence can be surprising because let’s face it, their survival is dependent upon devouring your brain and making you a mindless automaton. Dealing with one zombie is tough enough; dealing with a huge group of zombies makes it much more difficult to escape becoming the walking dead yourself. We are products of our environment so be smart; rather than constantly trying to fight off these putrid nuisances, stay away from them and avoid zombie hang outs.
2. Move Well And You Won’t Become A Zombie
Zombies are lumbering. They drag their limbs and shuffle along in the same direction, at the same pace, endlessly. You must train for the opposite so that you don’t become one. Supplement steady state movement like jogging and walking with some sprints. Traverse elevation by hiking and run on trails in addition to flat ground because zombies don’t like to climb mountains or deal with unpredictable terrain. Practice explosive movements such as jumping and moving laterally in addition to in a straight line. Add in a mobility and stretching routine and you will be able to out maneuver any movement-challenged zombie. Oh, and don’t forget, you should sit less because this will help you move better and also because zombie attacks are harder to defend from a seated position.
3. Diversify Your Diet And You Won’t Become A Zombie
Zombies eat the same thing all of the time, typically human brains (yes, this is Paleo.) The problem with eating the same foods, all the time, is that not only do you limit the amount of nutrients you ingest, you also continuously expose yourself to the toxins associated with those foods. Maybe this is why zombies look so pale and ashen and their skin is falling off? Of course, this does not mean you should eat every exotic fruit and vegetable that has been transported from various parts of the world. However, consider alternating through fruits and vegetables throughout the year that are in season and local to your area and remember: never dine like or with zombies.
4. Communicate Better And You Won’t Become A Zombie
Zombies really lack communication skills. The re-animation process seems to have left them with the ability to do little more than moan and groan. Worse yet, they never seem to stop moaning and groaning so any attempt at a reciprocal or intelligent conversation is out of the question with these rotting and inconsiderate individuals. If someone you know does 95% of the talking when you are having a “conversation” with them and it sounds mostly like incoherent, selfish, “undead-speak:” Look out! They may be a zombie. If you find yourself doing the same, it may be too late, but a little a listening and some conversational reciprocation may save you yet.
5. Don’t Get Stuck In “Fight or Flight”And You Won’t Become A Zombie
Zombies are some enraged folk. It has to be tough, living in that zombie world, constantly competing for the same thing, no real friends, no sex, no stand up comedy, no good conversation, no relief from the tension of always needing to eat and infect others relative to their unending selfish considerations for survival. Come to think of it, zombies are the perfect example of creatures stuck in primitive brain function in which everything is either a threat and something to be destroyed or something to be consumed in an attempt to satisfy insatiable needs. Unending threat and insatiable needs equals an over-reaction by the primitive brain or becoming stuck in the “fight or flight” mode and this equals a pretty stressful and draining existence. Spend too much time in this state and what might you become? Yep, you guessed it, an angry, rancid member of the walking dead. So reconsider what you really need in life and drop what you don’t so you have a greater ability to thrive and live outside of the “fight or flight” or “zombie- brain” existence.
There you have it; you now have a much greater chance of not becoming a zombie. There are already too many zombies running around so utilize these considerations and share them with any potential victims you know and let’s all stay uninfected!
If you have some other “anti-zombification” techniques or considerations please let me know.
* Special thanks to Portland, Maine artist and friend Max Leon for the Zombie graphic he made for this post. Make sure to check out his work here.